Middle School

I am not sure how I survived middle school. I have gone through alot of things in my life, but middle school was one of the worst times of my life. It makes me upset almost writing this. It has made me so hyperfocused on my daughter at this age. I don’t ever want her to feel alone like I did.

I don’t blame my mother or anybody in my life for me having these feelings, but they existed. Softball is probably the ONLY thing that helped me survive. Honestly this day and age I probably wouldn’t had. Remember I said I was mean as a coping mechanism. I want to apologize to anybody I impacted in a negative way. I didn’t know any better and I honestly was just not ok myself. That’s not an excuse.

What made middle school so awful you ask? I cut my hair like a boy. I didn’t want to be a boy. I cut it because I was a catcher in softball and the long hair would get stuck in. my helmet. I was developing a bald spot. I cut my hair to stop the bald spots. I wish I could go back and change that. I wish I could had avoided all the issues that came with that. I think of kids that are confused in today’s society and know I see you. I can tell you when I was growing up nothing was accepted. I got picked on and called a boy way to often. Bad thoughts started happening and I honestly didn’t want to be here anymore. I am not sure how I survived. I think alot of punk rock and crying and screaming in my room. I wrote in journals and that was my coping mechanism.

I remember using rubber bands and popping my wrist. I don’t think I knew what killing myself was because I was young and social media was non existent. I was living off blockbuster VHS’s and the few channels we had on cable tv. I was sheltered and naive and I am glad that I was. I truly believe I wouldn’t be here if I grew up now. Bad things are to publicized and shown. Suicide and school shootings and race wars and bad things are all over media sites. I don’t recall ever seeing things like that.

Biggest thing is I survived and made it through. I didn’t go to church, I didn’t know God to much, only what my grandparents taught me. I didn’t know any difference in how I should be feeling. Middle school was a BEAST and I want parents to know that if you have a kid in middle school, check on them. I hid it well. My parents wouldn’t had known. I shut it off and down. I had nobody but myself.

Have you felt this way? Did you grow up isolated in feelings? Are you OK?