First Loves

Highschool is full of many experiences, happy and sad. I probably had the stereotypical story. Highschool athlete, hot highschool boyfriend, popular (or at least in my head I was).

I remember sitting at a basketball game and girls were swooning over a 8th grader. I was not impressed and thought meh. We will call him John Doe for privacy. John was cute but I didn’t see the hype. I think I struck up a conversation with him because one of my friends liked him. We started to chat and something connected between us.

I had a sleepover with a friend and we were up in my room playing video games, when we started talking about boys. She asked if I liked anybody and the first person who popped in my head was…you guessed it…John. She picked up the landline corded phone in my room and dialed his number. I was so embarrassed and in shock. She began to talk and ask him questions. She asked if he liked anybody and he said yes. I could feel the knots in my stomach and it was gut wrenching. She was able to get the girl he liked out of him and it was me. “Funny coincendence we are together.” She handed me the phone and that was the end of that.

John and I talked for hours and really connected. Being in 9th grade and him in 8th grade we decided immediately we were boyfriend and girlfriend. People couldn’t understand why he would like me. I was by far the DUFF of my time. How could I pull one of the cutest guys in our town and school? We were at different schools and would write letters to one another and pass them through gym class and pray and hope they would meet one another. I still have a box of the notes. Times were so much simpler and easier without cell phones.

John and I dated all through highschool. We had our issues and we would break up and get back together. We were teens in love. I want to say we made it, but unfortunately first loves aren’t true loves.

John did introduce to church. I mean I went to church some with my grandparents and mom, but not often. Church wasn’t forced on me and I appreciate that. John’s family was active in church and I did go with him alot. I joined the youth group and participated in volunteer things through the church. This experience has made me want to get my kids involved sooner than later. I don’t want to force it, but I want them to understand and know God. I want them to actively want to be involved.

I think every incident happens for a reason and people come into your life with a purpose. I think John’s purpose was church and to show me that life isn’t over just because you lose somebody you loved. He was a big part of my life and we had first experiences together that nobody can ever replace. Do I think of how different life would had been, sure? Do I regret the path I have taken, nope! I love my husband and have three kids from him that wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t gone down the path God had planned.

This post is for the people who think that life is over after a break up. It is not, you will move on and you will be ok. Not everybody is meant to marry their highschool sweet heart and that is ok. Lessons are made and life continues. Have you dealt with a break up you just didn’t think you could get past? Are you ok now?

Birthday Parties

It is true what they say, you don’t remember the presents you receive, but the experiences you have. I have no clue what anybody ever gave me for my birthdays. I do however remember sharing parties with my brother.

My birthday is at the end of August and my brothers is at the beginning of September. As a kid I just wanted my own party, but as an adult I get the expense that comes behind throwing two parties so close together.

I remember one party I was so upset that my brother and I had to share a birthday cake. I threw a fit. My grandmother took me upstairs and smacked me in the face and told me to stop being a brat. (It wasn’t a hard smack and I wasn’t abused). It was a wake up call. Something inside of me changed and it is exactly what I needed. Did I still complain about things, yes, but was I grateful, yes.

Another birthday party memory I have is that I invited my friends to a sleepover. Nobody showed up to it. I remember crying and being devestated. My mother called my friends parents and asked what was going on. I can’t remember the excuse. I know it broke a piece of me and made me realize nobody really cares. I craved friendship and craved for people to want to be around me.

One thing I have learned is that people will disappoint, people will leave and life goes on. I could be bitter and upset and hate the world, but I choose to just be here and be me. I am the type of friend that I wish I had.

It is amazing that those two birthday parties changed me. I have had so many birthdays that I can’t recall, but the two most important are right in front of my eyes. Can you think back on birthday occasions and remember significant things? Are you ok from them?

Freshman Year

Lets be honest, highschool seems like it is imperative to who we will become as adults. You study hard, you hang out with the right crowd, you follow the rules and you will be successful right?

I can’t remember what class it was, but I remember sitting there and wishing the day was over. Middle school was tough. I looked like a boy, I was made fun of and it sucked. I had my softball friends and that was it. Sitting in class one day I became friends with a cheerleader.

I started hanging out with the popular crowd and used my sense of humor to keep people laughing. I played volleyball, basketball and softball at this point and loved all three. Basketball wasn’t my strong suit, so I sat on the bench with the cheerleaders. We would talk and laugh about things going on in the game and overall had a good time.

Our highschool was connected to our 7th and 8th grade when I was there. My class of 2003 was the first real freshman class at Rosewood. We went from being the youngest as 7th graders, to be the youngest again as freshman. It was like in the movies back then and freshman got picked on.

I wasn’t picked on as much freshman year because I made friends with the popular kids, grew my hair out and had a popular brother. The popular girls wanted to hang out with me because my brother and his friends were the good looking kids in school. Looking back now I realize I didn’t have alot of friends. People always have an intent and most don’t geniunely like me unless they want something.

I breezed through 9th grade and felt like highschool was going to be great. I was in the popular crowd and I started dating a guy that alot of girls wanted to date. Was I popular or was it all in my head? I am not sure. I think we make things up to make ourselves feel better. Was I really ok? My journals I wrote say otherwise. Are you ok from your past?

Little Sports Days

The memories of playing sports has been with me and stuck with me. I started playing tball with my brother and then went on to slow pitch softball. Fast pitch was not a thing for girls yet, at least not like it is now. I started playing softball and was a catcher. I loved it and thrived playing softball. I made friends and it felt like I found my space.

I remember doing travel ball and making all stars. My mom was at every game and sacrificed so much for me to play softball. I didn’t ever feel pressured, it was just a geniune love for the game. I had coaches I loved and coaches that weren’t so great.

One coach I had was Ms. Beth and she made such a impact on my life, she probably has no clue. She was fantastic and when I found out later in life that she passed from cancer, I was sad. It is strange how grief works. You lose touch with people in your life all the time, but when something happens to them, it feels like yesterday they were in your life helping you feel like you are the best player in the county.

The town I was in was small. I mentioned this in previous post. Word gets around when you are good at a sport. People know you and people compete with you. I felt like I was one of the best. (This could had been in my head). I remember in 8th or 9th grade another catcher came about. She had been playing baseball her whole life. She knocked my confidence down. She was good and better than me. I accepted that but it was hard.

Growing up with a population so small you think you are the best, until you get into the big world and it humbles you. Has this ever happened to you? Have you thought you were so good at something and then somebody comes along and takes that from you? Are you ok from that? Would you handle it differently?

Middle School

I am not sure how I survived middle school. I have gone through alot of things in my life, but middle school was one of the worst times of my life. It makes me upset almost writing this. It has made me so hyperfocused on my daughter at this age. I don’t ever want her to feel alone like I did.

I don’t blame my mother or anybody in my life for me having these feelings, but they existed. Softball is probably the ONLY thing that helped me survive. Honestly this day and age I probably wouldn’t had. Remember I said I was mean as a coping mechanism. I want to apologize to anybody I impacted in a negative way. I didn’t know any better and I honestly was just not ok myself. That’s not an excuse.

What made middle school so awful you ask? I cut my hair like a boy. I didn’t want to be a boy. I cut it because I was a catcher in softball and the long hair would get stuck in. my helmet. I was developing a bald spot. I cut my hair to stop the bald spots. I wish I could go back and change that. I wish I could had avoided all the issues that came with that. I think of kids that are confused in today’s society and know I see you. I can tell you when I was growing up nothing was accepted. I got picked on and called a boy way to often. Bad thoughts started happening and I honestly didn’t want to be here anymore. I am not sure how I survived. I think alot of punk rock and crying and screaming in my room. I wrote in journals and that was my coping mechanism.

I remember using rubber bands and popping my wrist. I don’t think I knew what killing myself was because I was young and social media was non existent. I was living off blockbuster VHS’s and the few channels we had on cable tv. I was sheltered and naive and I am glad that I was. I truly believe I wouldn’t be here if I grew up now. Bad things are to publicized and shown. Suicide and school shootings and race wars and bad things are all over media sites. I don’t recall ever seeing things like that.

Biggest thing is I survived and made it through. I didn’t go to church, I didn’t know God to much, only what my grandparents taught me. I didn’t know any difference in how I should be feeling. Middle school was a BEAST and I want parents to know that if you have a kid in middle school, check on them. I hid it well. My parents wouldn’t had known. I shut it off and down. I had nobody but myself.

Have you felt this way? Did you grow up isolated in feelings? Are you OK?

Fourth Grade

I could not tell you much about certain grade levels. No recollection of second and third grade, but 4th grade is when I changed schools. My whole life just uprooted again. Life is funny that way, things happen when we are young that make us just say oh well as adults.

The main thing I remember is starting in a school I didn’t know. I had learned to use jokes and picking on kids as a mechanism to engage with others. I made friends kind of. I didn’t have alot. I struggled and was mean. I was the bully and wasn’t nice. I remember telling a girl she was adopted at some point and she cried so hard. I regret this stage of my life. I wish I would of had a parent to teach me appropriate coping mechanisms.

I was a mad kid. I was mad because my parents weren’t together. I was mad we moved and I lost the little normalcy I had known. I was mad because my mom worked alot and I get it now. She was trying to survive and provide my brother and I with the best life. My dad was there but he was there every other weekend.

I started softball in fourth or fifth grade and that changed my life. I finally found a group of friends and a skill I was good at. I was really good at it. I was in a small town so there wasn’t a ton of competition. I always wonder if I would had been as good if I was in a bigger city. Was I entitled because I grew up in a small town?

Fourth grade was such a life changing experience, for the fact that I was new. I had to learn to adapt. I had to learn who I was and who I was going to be. I started slow pitch softball and found my niche. Writing this I never even put in how much that steered my life in one direction. Do you have a memory that has done that? What is something that impacted your life? Are you Ok with it? Do you wish it was different? I don’t think I would change mine honestly.

My Beginning memories

I grew up in a broken home. If you think that kids don’t remember parents fighting, you would be wrong. My parents divorced when I was young thankfully, however I remember the arguments. I think I was two and thats when the most vivid fight happened.

I remember my mom walking on a treadmill in her room or maybe it was the jiggler. My mom and dad were arguing over something. (That’s the thing about memories, details are sometimes blurred). I was with my brother outside the door watching and they shut the door. I remember my brother going in the room and coming out immediately. Being younger I followed suit and want into the room.

When I walked in the arguing continued and I stood next to my mom on her machine. I vividly remember them yellowing and all of a sudden a glass of cocola flew across the room. I was now covered in soda. I ran out crying and told my brother to not go in there.

I don’t remember alot of fights, but that one stands out. Did it impact me? yes. Do I argue with my husband in front of my kids? yes. Unfortunately that experience didn’t break me enough and I am still human.

What is my point from this blog? Well I am not really sure. I think to show that memories are strong and to really think back. What do you remember? Are you breaking cycles? Are you doing better than your parents? I definitely think I am doing better in my marriage, but everyday is work and it isn’t easy. I am choosing to do better and so can you. So my question I will end every post with is this. Are you Ok? Are you Really?

Divorce is Hard

Alright you made it to the next memory I have growing up. My parents separated and I remember moving in with my grandparents. I loved my grandparents so much and they really put me on the path that I am on now. That will come later on how they inspired me and created the journey I am on.

It was Christmas and my moms family gathered. My cousins and uncles and aunts. It was the first holiday away from my Dad not being with us. We lived in a small town (read the about me). My dad showed up. He was on the steps on my grandparents house crying. This is the ONLY time I have ever seen my dad cry. He was so upset and honestly as a 2-3 year old I didn’t understand. I just knew he was sad.

I didn’t know all the complexities that played into the divorce of my parents. There are three sides to every story and will I ever have the real truth, probably not. I just know that I get it. I don’t want to be in an unhappy marriage, however I also know that marriage is ugly. It isn’t pretty and there are going to be challenges. The question I ask myself is, Can I see myself growing old with this person? My answer is normally yes. Another question I ask is, Is this something that I can get over? If the answer is ever no, thats a decision I have to make for myself. I can’t torture myself or my husband for the rest of our lives. The answer so far to the second question has been yes. Do I have some things that I think about and they are in the back of my mind? Sure. Do they get triggered occasionally? Absolutely.

I know growing up in different homes can be challenging for some and confusing to kids. I saw my dad every other weekend until I turned about 10 or 11. My mom showed up and middle summer the AC wasn’t on at my dads. My mom gave me the option to go whenever I wanted at that point, along with my brother. I love my dad and get that running the AC was expensive and I am not mad about it. Come to NC and live in these humid summers with no AC though. It will make you grateful for when you do have it. I think I keep my house so cold because of that situation. I am sure I have bored you to death with divorce talk by now, but it has shaped my thinking and how I do things as a parent. If you come to my house you will see that it’s freezing in the summer. So my question for you is, did your parents have quirks? Do you have memories of your parents crying? I know my life is not even close to some of the trauma people have faced and I am blessed beyond measure to have parents that care and love me. Are you Ok?

Being Little

It is strange to think of my childhood for some reason. I remember somethings like they were yesterday and then others are just gone. The brain is a strange thing.

I got hit by a car when I was 5 years old. I was in kindergarten and really don’t remember the incident, except for what was told to me.

We lived in a townhouse and it was a small community. There was a fence with bushes and trees that we would play in. Do you remember Trolls? Trolls were my barbies, I loved them. I had every troll and accessory that you could think of. I had a troll house that I would take outside and make a troll treehouse with.

One day I wanted to play and my neighbor friends did not. My brother was out talking to a older neighbor and refused to play with me.

I took my trolls and my troll house out to the wooded area near the trees and starting playing. I wasn’t out there long until I decided I wanted to go back inside. Little did I know that I would drop my favorite troll, bend over and black out.

I woke up in the hospital and apparently was screaming my brains out. I was saying don’t let them take me. (I found this out years later driving through a Burger King parking lot). That’s for a later blog.

Getting hit by a car so little seems traumatic, and I do have a massive fear of my kids running off in the parking lot. I will snap if they aren’t holding my hand. That is not intentional, but a fear that I have because of this incident.

I was in the hospital for a month. I had to have pins in my shoulder for several months and I had a tire mark across my leg.

I missed quite a bit of school and I did forget how to walk. 5 year old me had no clue how much perserverance and deidcation it took to get better. I wish kids could see how strong they are in the moment, but it is something that we fail to see or remember.

One memory I have that from the whole experience was going to my kindergarten class and all the kids coming up to me and feeling sorry for me. Some thought the injury was cool and others cried. Kids tried to hug me and I was like an awkward turtle. (I wasn’t a hugger and it’s still questionable.)

I managed to get better (obviously). I didn’t know how strong I was then and still don’t sometimes. Being little is a interesting thing. I didn’t know what dying felt like or what pain really was. Was I ok? I wasn’t, but with the help of doctors and family I got better. My question for you is do you have a incident that you recall, that has made you have instincts you might not of had if it didn’t happen? Are you Ok?

Little Memories

It is crazy what we can remember. I have mentioned this in past posts. I remember my best friends and kindergarten teacher like it was yesterday. That says something about them. They impacted my life and I wonder if they even know it?

Ms. Banks was my kindergarten teacher. All I remember is she was so nice and caring and really took care of her students. I am sure she has no clue who I even am anymore. I tried to new age find her with social media and haven’t been successful.

My best friend Desiree. Unfortunately growing up racism existed and I didn’t fully understnad it. I liked whoever was nice and played with whoever would be my friend. My daughter is the same way and I love it. She was my best friend and we had matching purple tye die jumpsuits. We would coordinate when we were going to match. I moved away to a new school and we lost touch. We were so little and our parents were not friends. I hate that for me, but no pity parties here.

I did look up Desiree and found her. Small town vibes remember? I think she graduated top of her class and is now a doctor. I would give anything to know if I am a core memory in her head, like she is in mine? Connecting with the past has never been my goal, but it shapes so much of who we are, that as I get older I want to reach out to the people that I lost contact with.

I am curious is this is normal. Do you remember people in your past? I have some people that have added me on Facebook that were in my life when I was younger and we follow each other in silence. We don’t speak and we may like a post of each others here and there, but is that a real connection?

How are you with seeing people or reconnecting? Are you open to it? Would you want to? Just curious is this just a weird thing that I sometimes will think and obsess over how life would had been if I had a friend from kindergarten? Am I ok knowing I don’t have any friendships from childhood? How about you? Are you Ok?